Couples Therapy/Marital Issues: Is there really a "happily ever after"?

Hello, Beautiful World!

I hope everyone has been enjoying the wonderful, skin-scorching weather here in Arizona 😓. I swear we skipped right over spring (it maybe lasted for about two whole days?).

Despite the weather, as you all you know, I took my spring break this week!!! It was amazing to be able to simply sit around in sweatpants all day, every day for the whole week and do a variety of activities: eat, sleep, read, watch movies, repeat. I really think I missed the feeling of being bored (I never thought I would say that, but there it is).

As promised, I am still doing a blog post this week on....*drum roll, please*... couples therapy/marital issues! I'd really been looking forward to this one, considering Disney is all about couples and fairytale weddings.

Just like every other post, I'm going to start off by listing some facts about marriage, divorce, and couples therapy:

• In the US, the marriage rate is 6.9 per 1k population (total of 2,140,272 marriages), and the divorce rate is 3.2 per 1k population (total of 813,862 divorces).*
• Of those who receive couples therapy, 75% are better off than couples who did not receive therapy, and 65% report improvement in terms of marital satisfaction.**
• Therapy is most affective by working on the emotional maturity of the couple and their emotional bonds. 

What I found interesting about these statistics was that the divorce rate is basically half of the marriage rate (so do half of marriages end in divorce?). And the rate is even higher for second and third marriages (so if you get re-married, the odds of staying together are slim). 

Before meeting with Dr. Ashley Southard, a clinical therapist at A New Beginning who specializes in couples therapy (EFT-trained) and family therapy, I conducted a survey and looked through everyday media relevant to couples therapy and marital issues. Starting off the meeting by asking her what misconceptions clients ​may have about marriage and couples therapy, I learned that couples ​often ​wait until their relationship is in a really bad place before seeking couples therapy. Obviously, this makes the therapy more difficult because one or both partners may have a lot of anger and/or hurt towards their partner. Thankfully, with the help of effective couples therapy many relationships - even severely troubled ones - can be repaired and restored to a loving, connected relationship.  Another misconception I learned is that couples ​may ​also come in thinking the therapist will fight to save the marriage​ at any cost​ (which isn't exactly what the therapist does), and that the therapist ​just needs to focus on changing the other partner and then everything will be ok in the relationship. 

Ashley Southard, Ph.D., LMFT

From here, Dr. Ashley and I discussed more about marital issues/couples therapy using the survey questions as a basis:

Misconceptions:

• Myth: You'll know you're with "the one" if the relationship comes easily without any problems. 
• Truth: This is a huge misconception (that if you need therapy, then he/she must not be "the one"), along with "the perfect relationship shouldn't require therapy" and "marriage shouldn't make one feel uncomfortable." No relationship is easy, and if it is really easy all of the time, then you may be avoiding important topics and issues. Marriage is hard work; some say it is the hardest next to parenting. 
• Myth: Your true love will automatically know what to say and do to make you happy; so, you shouldn't have to tell your spouse. 
• Truth: This is a major misconception talked a lot about in therapy. You need to communicate how you're feeling, and your partner needs to respond. Communication is a key element in marriage; your partner can't read your mind (which seems like a duh, but trust me, it isn't)!
• Myth: If the relationship was "meant to be," it will work out. 
• Truth: All good relationships require work. For example, in a healthy parent-child relationship, the parent needs to engage regularly with the child. Friendships require effort, and even your relationship with your body requires work (aka exercise), to name a few others. You cannot be passive in a relationship and expect it to work. ​Also, people change as they mature and sometimes the partner that was a good match for you at one point in your life may no longer be a good match for you later in life. ​
• Myth: Your partner should know exactly what they did to make you upset without you having to explain.
• Truth: This is a straight-up fantasy. You need to tell your partner in a loving, respectful way what's wrong, and it is your partner's job to listen and respond. 
• Myth: If you're truly happy with your partner, you shouldn't need to be close to anyone else. 
• Truth: You can't put all of your eggs in one basket. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to meet all of your needs, and you should have other relationships (friends, etc.) outside of him/her. 

Some things that can be misconceptions or truths, depending on the case:

• People sometimes say that a marriage is made complete only when you have kids, which can help you become closer to your partner. However, the stressors and demands of raising kids can actually create more distance in the marriage. Also, there are plenty of couples with kids that are unhappy, and plenty happy couples without them.
• "Opposites attract!""Differences will ruin your marriage!""Birds of a feather flock together!" Well, it's really a little bit of all of those. Having differences creates diversity and individuality in a relationship, making it more dynamic. However, a long-lasting marriage also needs to be founded upon some sort of common ground for both spouses (whether it be values, lifestyle, hobbies, etc.)
• There is an saying that happy couples that last in the long-run don't argue and do everything together. But, it really depends. Conflict is a healthy part of a relationship, if done so properly. If not, you're avoiding issues that should be discussed. A couple can simply have avoided everything and anything controversial, been together for a long time, and remained unhappy. Basically, a couple can be together for a long time, but that doesn't mean that both partners are happy and connected to each other. 
• When it comes to the early stages of a relationship, most people think I should avoid voicing my disagreements early on in the relationship. But, it's really about picking your battles. You should definitely voice your concerns or opinions on things that are important to you or define your value system. However, also understand that the other person isn't a carbon copy of you. If it really matters to you and defines you, hold to it and speak out. If it's something minor, let it go. 
• "You should learn to love your partner's worst qualities/flaws." Is this true? Yes, so long as they don't violate your own boundaries of values. Abuse isn't something you should accept or learn to love. But, accept other differences in hobbies/interests/etc.. 
• People say that living together before marriage decreases chances of divorce. However, research shows the opposite: premarital cohabitation may actually increase chances of divorce because people with values of cohabitation tend to also have more lenient values regarding divorce as an option when feeling unfulfilled in a relationship. If there isn't cohabitation (because of strict religious values, etc.), then it's not okay to have a divorce. So, what I'm trying to say is, for some couples it does, but for others it doesn't. 

Since the media plays a huge role in how we perceive things, I also asked Dr. Ashley how she felt regarding the portrayal of marital issues/marriage/couples therapy in social media, Cinderella, Disney's "Happily Ever After," Big Little Lies, and Everybody Loves Raymond. 

• Relationship statuses in social media:
• Limit your exposure to social media and try to not​ compare your relationship to what others show about their relationship on social media. ​ ​Oftentimes, people post snippets of their life to make things look like everything is perfect or great. This can leave you feeling bad about your less-than-perfect relationship. Don't compare your insides to others' outsides. 

• Cinderella:
• It's a fantasy, and if you realistically think about her actual situation, it shouldn't work out that way. Her mom dies; her dad marries a mean woman who treats her poorly; she isn't protected from her evil stepsisters. She probably needs therapeutic support to deal with all of the trauma and abandonment she experienced as a young person, and she won't likely fall into "the perfect marriage" and not face any problems. She's actually more likely to marry someone who doesn't treat her well (or a workaholic) because of how she was raised. 

It really is only a dream...

• "Happily Ever After"
• Once again, it's a fantasy that sets people up to think that marriage will always be wonderful, and you'll always be happy and in love and it will be easy. In real life, marriage is hard, has its ups and downs, and requires a lot of work. Ideas like this paint a broad stroke that gives wrong expectations that once we get married things will get better and we will always be happy.

• Big Little Lies
• The therapist for the sexual assault couple is portrayed really well and handles situations accurately. 

• Everybody Loves Raymond
• This is wonderful to watch because it shows more realistic marital and extended family dynamics. 

So where do all of these myths come from regarding marriage and couples therapy? One obvious source is the media, which portrays this idea that marriage is all easy. Another is that therapy, especially couples therapy, has such a social stigma. What will other people say if we need to go to therapy? It's all your fault that our marriage isn't perfect! Also, there is a lot of fear in people. If a couple has to go to therapy to work on their relationship, they think they might get a divorce if they really address the problem. Marriage requires nurturing, just like any other thing. Another thing is, some of us didn't have great models of relationships in our own families (divorces, no fighting in front of the kids, no affection, etc.). We hang on to what we see on Facebook and other social media and how our own parents' relationship was, and our own relationships become like the same because we think that's what it should be like. We get scared of therapy. That it must be a problem with me. But therapy can be a really helpful resource, and you don't have to be in such a terrible place to begin with. 

 I hope you guys like my Week 7 post (how is it Week 7 already!?!?!)! Thank you all for following me on this enlightening journey, and showing me so much support!

Lots of love 💗,

--Saleena

Sources: 

*Marriage and Divorce (2017, January). Retrieved on March 21, 2017, from https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm. 

**Couples Counseling (n.d.). Retrieved March 21, 2017, from http://family-marriage-counseling.com/mentalhealth/couples-counseling.htm.